Sunday Edition: On Treating Friendships Like Romantic Relationships
six small, but meaningful, ways to show up for your friends
The Sunday Edition is Tuesday’s little sister—off-the-cuff updates I’d bring up over a coffee catch-up with a friend.
When my first college relationship ended, my best friend sent me a care package from LA. I opened it on the floor of my bedroom, letting snacks and a coveted essie nail polish tumble out, revealing a card with the note, “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” She didn’t need to include the attribution (I’m guessing you already know it too?). We’d memorized the line from slumber parties, devouring discs from her pink velvet complete set of “Sex and the City,” recalling it’s wisdom in the wake of every high school heartbreak.
The line feels dated for a number of reasons now, but the sentiment—of elevating friendships to the level and respect we normally reserve for romantic love—stuck with me. When my marriage disintegrated, I had to lean on friends hard, in a way I never before had to, since I was always with a partner. They became my “plus one,” the people I texted with exciting or sad news, and who offered shoulders to cry on. In the process, they taught me how to become a better friend, modeling what it means to show up, in big and small ways. I’ve written before about how to make friends as an adult, but today is an ode to the friends we already cherish—with advice on making and keeping deep friendships — six small, but meaningful, ways to show up for your friends.
Over the past year, my friends have shown up for me in big and small ways—here are a few of my favorites tips I’ve learned and adopted.
Send a text without the expectation of a response. I am terrible at texting, and generally try to spend as little time on my phone as possible—so I love doing this. Send a friend a quick, “Hey, I’m thinking of you!” without the expectation of a catch-up over text. (If you do want to chat, I’m a fan of calling and talking for 15 minutes, rather than scheduling an hour-long catch-up—where do you land on this?)
Put your friend’s big dates and events on your calendar. Birthdays aside, the moment a friend tells me about a graduation, big doctor’s appointment, or significant meeting with their boss, I add it to my calendar to make sure I remember texting them about it that day. A simple, “How’d it go??” can go a long way—and keeps me in the loop, so I can be there for the good, the bad, and the vents.
Keep a note of their favorites. This tip comes from my friend, who recently told me over coffee when I was visiting her, “I started keeping a ‘favorite things’ note in my phone to keep tabs on the specific preferences of friends. Knowing little details like favorite dessert, coffee order, or favorite home-cooked meal helps me know how to surprise and delight, celebrate or support, when needed!”
Give surprise gifts, as you come across them. There is something so delightful about coming across something you know a friend needs or wants, buying it, and giving it to them the next time you see them (a friend recently gave me a garlic press, when she learned I didn’t have one!).
Send snail mail. My friend Christa is so good at sending handwritten cards, and has inspired me to keep a small pile of notecards I now periodically send to friends as a way to let them know I’m thinking of them.
Spontaneous hangs. I’m trying to schedule fewer things in advance, to leave more room for spontaneous hangs. A few weeks ago, after work, I was running an errand in a friend’s neighborhood, I texted her to see if she was free—she was on her way to meet neighbors for drinks at their favorite brewery, in Clovis and invited me to join. The spontaneity allowed me to meet people in her world I may not have met otherwise!
Cheers to cultivating and nurturing friendships!
ICYMI: How steroids got big. How to party (without regrets). If cute shoes comprise 90% of what I saw on Instagram this week, the other 10% was hawk tuah reactions. “Rawdogging” flights. Something else to keep in mind while seeing ample vacay photos on the ‘gram. And is online dating just a nightmare for everyone right now? How Gmail became our diary. The rest gap. Snacky plates!
SUCH GREAT IDEAS! I did no. 2 today... sent a Venmo for a sweet tea and some good luck vibes for a friend returning to work from maternity leave today. Coincidentally, she's the same friend that is great at sending just because snail mail.