How to Make and Maintain Friends as an Adult
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Making friends as an adult, without the scaffolding provided by dorms or extracurriculars, can be terrifying. But it’s also important to remember how full of possibility the pursuit is. I still clearly remember a moment that happened shortly after my family moved across town and I ended up at a middle school where I knew no one. I had never been the “new kid” in school before and had no idea what to expect, but by the end of that first year, I remember looking at my best friend Saegan and thinking that I couldn’t imagine her not being in my life. I eventually moved again for school. I have felt the same way countless times since, even in just the past year in the town I’ve lived in for 13 years. In honor of new adventures, I’m sharing some of the strategies and tips I’ve employed each time I put myself out there to make new friends:
One. It takes time, and grieving is natural. In my experience, it takes six months to acclimate to a new city and amass your first group of friends. That time can feel incredibly lonely, but that’s part of the process. When I began the process of creating community after my divorce, I began meeting people at dog parks, joining friends of friends for coffee, and amassing a small group of people I felt comfortable texting for a casual hang.
Two. Put yourself out there! I once read an essay by someone with social anxiety who said it helped her to channel a Golden Retriever at parties. She approached people with the energy of a happy-go-lucky dog, open and earnest, but didn’t take it personally when she wasn’t embraced. I try to keep the same energy in mind when meeting people: I strike up friendly conversations at dog parks, coffee shops, and workout classes, but don’t take it personally if I sense they don’t want to be approached. If I feel the potential for friendship, I ask if they’d be open to exchanging numbers, then follow up for a coffee date. It may feel forward, but most people are thrilled to make a new friend. If you feel uncomfortable approaching strangers in-person, I’ve also heard great things about Bumble BFF!
Three. Tap into every connection and join meetups. If you aren’t comfortable meeting strangers, tap into every fleeting connection you have to establish friendships. Friends of friends are also such an untapped resource—it’s like having a pre-vetted roster of potential friends. If that isn’t an option, join social groups and take classes!
Four. Invest in the friendships you want to cultivate with regular hangs. Once you have a set of contacts (or existing!), begin to deepen the relationships you care most about by spending more time with them. I’m a huge fan of establishing regular, weekly friend dates. In the past, this has meant meeting friends every Friday night to play boardgames, but I also love to establish weekly coffee dates since they’re easy to keep.
Five. Maintain friendships. A recent article in Frankie Magazine recommended romancing your “mates” (it is an Australian magazine, after all) the same way you would a romantic pursuit. Tell them how much they mean to you, be forthcoming about wanting to spend time together, and occasionally call them to hear about their day. I’m a huge fan of sending texts to let friends know I’m thinking about them, without the expectation of a response. I’ll simply text something along the lines of, “Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and love you!” Try it now! I recently texted this to an old firned I rarely have the opportunity to catch up with. She immediately called me, to tell me she’d been thinking of me and to let me know how much my text had meant to her. It can even be helpful to add dates to your calendar reminding you to check in on friends!
More on this topic…
Needless to say, these tips are based entirely on my experience (and I hope you share some of yours in the comments!), but a lot has been written on making friends. Here are a few pieces and one podcast episode I've come across recently on the topic:
How To Make Friends, In Case You’ve Forgotten in Vice. “Getting back in touch with people whom you already have a rapport with could be the start of a renewed relationship. It could also be a good way to ease yourself into making new friends.”
The Scientific Reason It's So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult (and What to Do About It) “Adults with jobs, kids, and a collection of other responsibilities also simply have less time available for making friends. And research shows making a casual friend takes 50 hours on average, while close friendships take 200 hours.”
The Hard Work of Making New Friends in Gloria Newsletter. “Women are often taught about how important romantic relationships are in their lives[…] but as you get older you start to realize the importance of friends. Friendship is its own sort of romance.”
How Many Friends Do You Really Need? in The New York Times. “Take initiative and don’t assume that friendships just happen organically, she said. But be judicious. Spending time with friends you feel ambivalent about — because they’re unreliable, critical, competitive or any of the many reasons people get under our skin — can be bad for your health.”
“Moving Cities and Making Friends” on Girls Gotta Eat. “It took me so long to find my people and I’m way better now, but I want to validate that […] the transition to adulthood is fucking hard.”
ICYMI: This 10 minute video of stretches for tight neck and shoulders is a perfect mid-work break. Patricia Arquette on playing Cobel in “Severance” (clearly still not over that ending). Holy smokes, this is expensive real estate. Sponsored by mangoes (no, really). How Gmail became our diary. The ripple effects of compassionate parenting, and this slower model of motherhood. The world of luxurious airport lounges (a total mystery to me).