Sunday Edition: Let me know if there's anything I can do
How to never say that phrase again, the new mom care package that changed my life, and tips to crush the mealtrain game
Following the birth of my son in November of 2015, I remember two things becoming vividly, surreally clear.
One, I was overwhelmed by how inadequately I had shown up for every single friend and acquaintance in my life who had given birth. How little I understood, until I was in it, what would be helpful, practical, or welcome.
This realization was swiftly accompanied by a weeping, boundless appreciation for the ways that women in my life showed up for me.
I imagine that those two things are intimately related for experiences far beyond new parenthood: that as we are inducted into the club of the previously unknown, scales fall from our eyes: we were blind but now we see, picking up the mantle for those who come after us. Experience is the best teacher, and all of that.
Better writers than I have written tomes on how we can be in community with one another - on the friendship problem, from Rosie Spinks , on what we owe each other, brilliantly from anastasia , on intentionally gathering (with kids) from Teresa Wu featuring Kate Greer, and an entire series on intentional friendship from Aliza and Aja on Platonic Love.
Certainly, I cannot claim to be an expert, but it is something that has taken on a profound and urgent place in my heart and mind since those early, sleep deprived days home from the hospital. As someone who once prided myself on my self-sufficiency, who cringed away from inconveniencing anyone with anything as basic as my own needs (the horror), I’ve realized it made me a bit blind to the needs of others.
I considered myself to be thoughtful, compassionate even. When things happened, I always reached out with a “let me know if there is anything I can do”. I know so many of us mean it when we say that. We really truly want to help, but we want someone else to tell us THE THING that would be THE MOST helpful. It’s well meaning, but it’s also time to move beyond this and start digging in. We are the village, and it’s up to us to show up – not only to new parents, or folks navigating major illness, but our friends and neighbors in the bumps of everyday life.
Today I’m talking about the things I found so helpful during my own postpartum experience that I have adopted them into my regular practice of caring and outreach to my own community– we’re covering how to reach out and offer support that isn’t “let me know if you need anything”, the new mom care package that changed my life, and tips for meal delivery (including my go to menus that *aren’t* baked ziti). It’s a bit of a hodgepodge but it’s packed with good stuff!
How to never say “let me know if there’s anything I can do” again:
I will start by acknowledging that this concept is not my own: I first came across it in the incredible Nora McInerney’s book It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too) (which I highly recommend for anyone who is grieving or who loves someone who is grieving). The TLDR is this:
When you say “let me know if there is anything I can do” (or any of its iterations), you leave it up to the recipient to decide what an appropriate ask is, and then also actually ask you for it. While intended to be helpful, it can often end up adding to the already mentally taxing burden of whatever is going on.
I know from my experience, I definitely needed and wanted help, but I either didn’t really know what help would be helpful, or I didn’t know how to bring it up days after the original offer of support, so I never asked and just left it at that.
All that’s to say: here’s what I now like to do instead (depending on level of comfort and closeness!) :
Offer something specific with easy scheduling options (if any) to choose from: substantial life changes often cause a lightly debilitating inability to make decisions - let’s not make it any harder!
I’d love to coordinate a meal train for you and X – how many meals per week would be the most helpful for you?
I’d love to drop off dinner next week - would Monday or Wednesday around 5:30 pm work better for you?
I’m going to drop off a round of groceries – would drop off Thursday afternoon or Saturday morning be more helpful?
I’m going to send you a few things that made my (similar experience) much easier – can you remind me of your address?
If you’ve planned a visit, give options to choose from, but keep it flexible. When you’re visiting, consider the non-obvious things that might be helpful: watching or walking the dog, taking older kiddos out to give parents a break, or help around the house.
I’m excited for our visit! When I stop by, I’d love to chat and meet [baby], but I’m also happy to watch [baby] while you rest or shower, or help take care of things around the house if that’s more helpful. No need to decide now - we can make a game time decision based on how you’re feeling!
Hi! I hope everything is going well, and everyone is settling in at home! I wanted to offer to take [toddler] out for a mid-morning adventure this weekend! We can stop by [location/activity] around 11 am. Does that work with everyone’s nap schedule? Alternatively - I’m happy to stay and watch [baby] if you’d prefer to get some quality time with [toddler]!
Just do it: The things that stood out the most to me postpartum are the things people just did, without asking, or needing coordination. They were small but extremely thoughtful acts of care, and it was such a good reminder to just do it - you’ll never regret it.
From the friend who stocked my fridge with food and my favorite treats for when we got home from the hospital, the mom friend who brought a care package with lactation bars and a mom-focused mental health book, the coworker who dropped off a set of her kids favorite board books.
The thing that stands out the most? A mom friend (shout out Kilean) just sent one of the most thoughtful recovery kits I could have ever asked for, jam packed with a ton of things that I (didn’t really) know I needed, and was so grateful to just *have* when I got back from the hospital – they load you up with stuff before you leave, but she literally thought of *everything* and it made the experience so much simpler. I’m so emotional about this gift (still).
This is what I would put in a recovery kit basket:
MealTrains aren’t a contest (but you can still win)
Here’s the thing: anytime someone brings you food, it’s a wonderful act of kindness and generosity. It’s silly, really, how much of a burden it can be to figure out what you even want to eat, let alone the logistics of shopping, preparing, and cleaning up, so it’s no wonder dropping off food is the number one way we think to help. There are a few easy ways to make it easy and seamless for you (and for the recipient).
In my humble opinion, the best meal delivery are ones that:
Are easy to reheat, assemble and serve (aka not fussy and include basic instruction)
Provide enough food that there are some leftovers (but no so much that it’s all you eat for a week)
Are not pasta (I say this with love: pasta is the only meal my non-culinary partners prepare with ease, so unless you hand made the pasta or it was specifically requested, I bet you a million dollars people are just fine on the pasta front).
Do not require the recipient to do *anything* like remembering to return your good tupperware. (Highly recommend meal prep and deli-takeout containers for portability and reusability. Yes, chef!).
Include a now-and-later component: ( here’s the thing y’all: everyone wants to bring you dinner when you have a baby, but you actually need to eat a bunch of other meals as well! In addition to a hot meal for dinner, I always bring something for later that *isn’t* leftovers as well).
Alright y’all this has taken many twists and turns so I’m just going to leave it at that. I’d love to hear the little ways you support your community, or the surprising ways folks showed up for you that you’ll never forget.
